Have you ever had a behaviour that you wanted to get rid of, an impulse you wanted to control or a goal you wanted to achieve? Have you ever tried everything for change but find that you keep making the same bad decision over and over and over and over again?
That’s me.
Right now.
That’s me yesterday.
I firmly had a view as to how I would handle a high risk situation full of prompts and triggers and history. I did self talk and affirmations. I told myself a social story with victory at the end. I reviewed my strategies. I was confident. Even with all past failures, I was confident.
But.
All the preparation was nothing.
Trigger.
Old habits, old reactions, bad decisions and worse choices returned. Like a song that you’ll never forget, “La La La La La La you’re total failure, Oh Oh Oh Oh you’re a total fool” that little ditty that goes round in your head chastising you.
That’s me.
Right now.
That’s me yesterday.
I freaking know better.
I freaking want better.
I freaking an really trying.
But it’s so hard. Just so hard.
Changing behaviour is hard.
And consequences, there are many but the worst is the words I now allow myself to call myself and feel justified in doing so.
Everybody can learn new ways of doing things.
I believe that.
Pity that belief doesn’t mean squat when you dance to old rhythms does it.
There’s always tomorrow.
Always another humiliating failure coming down the pike.
I need another strategy, maybe one that acknowledges that failure is part of journey.
Oh. Gosh. Doesn’t that sound like crap?
Think I’ll just beat myself up for a few more hours, why not, it’s never worked either.
